Dumped again...

This time it's my daycare provider.  I am once again at a total loss as to how to handle this situation.  I feel like I'm broken and damaged from all of the disappointment and frustration I've been trying to manage lately.  I just weep thinking about how hopeless I've been feeling constantly.  I've gained weight to the point where I absolutely have to start giving a shit or I'm never going to make it back to fit and healthy.  I know the problem but it's like there's rocks in my heart keeping me from the motivation I need to get up and be active again.  I don't think I've ever felt so lonely.  I have never minded being alone but I was just starting to get used to having someone when he blindsided me with his truth, his lack of feelings for me.  I didn't realize how badly I actually want to have someone want me.  I miss the feeling of someone wanting to spend their time with me.  I've been trying my luck with match.com.  No success so far but not for lack of trying.  I don't feel very hopeful...

My mom was right, you can't put a bandaid on a heartache.  And there's no timeline for when the pain will subside.  Losing my daycare provider today because of my child's poor behavior is like a double blow because it really feels like my fault.  Not only can I not keep a decent man around for more than two months, I also I can't keep my kid in the same daycare for more than 9 months...we are emotionally unstable girls that apparently only our family can truly love and tolerate long term.  It's times like these that those biting words my ex said to me in the fight that technically and effectively ended our relationship "no one will ever love you" feel so true that my soul feels fractured beyond repair.  How can I possibly feel like love will ever happen for me if no one sticks around long enough to find out who I really am?  It is exhausting trying to hold my composure all the time when I just feel so downtrodden.

Something needs to change.  I can't expect anyone but me to make it happen...

It starts today.

Today was a less than stellar day.  I'm sad that this day was the beginning of a new year but I've decided that I'm going to use it as a segue to my resolutions for the coming year.  I want to keep them simple and straightforward.  Basically, no bullshit.  So here goes...

1.  Stop being such a fat ass.
      This resolution is about my health habits.  I have, as of late, let myself go a little in terms of my physical appearance.  It sort of feels like I don't really have anyone to impress and that has given me license to eat whatever and whenever as well as fall off the fitness bandwagon.  My resolve is not to start some crazy diet and exercise routine that I'm going to abandon halfway through January.  I did successfully lose weight and get fit on a New Years Resolution a few years ago which was the perfect catalyst to my textbook pregnancy.  It also made for an easy recovery which I have pretty much just coasted on.  Since Skylar weened from breastfeeding last winter, I haven't really done anything to improve myself physically.  Now, a year later, I've seen a slow and steady gain of about 15 pounds and a decrease in energy and stamina.  I wouldn't say that I feel fat, I just feel sort of doughy and really weak. 
So, I've decided to change some of my current bad habits back to the good ones I adopted back when I got fit and healthy before.  As far as diet, I'm going to revisit some healthier recipes.  But mostly, I plan on just changing when and how I eat.  I rarely eat out and I make my lunch for work almost every day.  However, I've stopped eating breakfast and started eating too much late at night.  By re-balancing my mealtimes I feel like I'll naturally slim down because my metabolism with speed up again.  Exercise will help that too.  My favorite form of exercise has long been yoga.  So I've decided to work it back into my daily routine.  I found a free yoga channel on my roku and will be busting out my mat tomorrow after work.  I find that whenever I do yoga on a regular basis, my mental state improves drastically.  That leads to resolution #2...

2.  Think positively.
     I have been very negative lately.  I find myself having meltdowns about ridiculous random crap because I'm really just unhappy about where I am in my life.  Yes, I am a 27 year-old single mother with no romantic prospects, a horrible dead-end retail job that frustrates me endlessly, and a mountain of debt that scares the pants off me.  Most days I feel like a total failure because aside from graduating from college, I haven't achieved a single goal I set for myself when I set out into the world as a young adult.  The prospect of going to my 10-year high school reunion this summer makes me want to vomit.  I keep dwelling on all of the negatives in my life: why can't I have a better car?  why won't anyone hire me?  why can't I just do what I like to do?
Well, the pity party is over.  I'm done being a negative nancy because being negative has only brought me more negativity.  I am tired of focusing on what sucks in my life and am ready to refocus on all the good things.  First and foremost, I have an incredibly beautiful, smart and unique child who is growing so quickly and learning so much.  I count every day with Skylar as a blessing because she really is my sunshine and by far the most important thing in my life.  Secondly, at least I have a car, and a job.  It could always be worse and I am actually pretty fortunate.  I also have an incredible support system in my tight knit family.  While I miss big-city living pretty much all the time and have a less-than-fond relationship with my current location/hometown, I wouldn't trade the ability to spend time with my family for anything.  They really are my support and some of my only friends.  My very best friend right now (aside from H. Gunn, cuz she's really the only one), is my creativity.  I may not get anywhere in life with my art but I will forever keep creating because it is one thing that is a sure happy-maker for me.  As far as the serious and heavy shit in life are concerned, I'm going to try to take everything in stride.  I've got major changes on the horizon which reek of stress and strife but I want to take them on with a more positive attitude.  I want to vastly improve my outlook on life but I know it will take some time.  Baby steps.

3.  Be a better mother.
     I always want to be a better mother.  It's hard to know how exactly to do just that when I feel I already always have her best interests at heart.  However, I know there are some things that I can definitely work on.  I am a short-tempered and impatient person by nature and I can see those qualities of myself in my daughter.  I know that if I try harder to keep my temper in check and be more patient with her, then she will likely follow suit.  Right now, we struggle a lot with our communication barrier.  She wants so badly to communicate and we just don't quite understand each other all the time; that gets frustrating for both of us.  One thing I'm planning on changing drastically starting immediately is my language.  Obviously, I throw around some colorful language in my blog.  Well, it's about the same (but really more so) in life.  With Skylar learning to talk, I've got to be a lot more careful about what I say around her.  The hardest place to implement that part of the resolution is going to be in the car.  The drivers in this town are fucking insane (pardon my french!).  I'm not an aggressive driver, especially this time of year, so it's hard to deal with all the folks who are unabashedly rude and aggressive on the road.  I hate driving and most often find the outlet to my frustrations behind the wheel is a long, satisfying string of obscenities.  Definitely gonna change that.  Now.  Other ways I'm going to better myself as a mother for Sky are to keep pushing different and more healthy foods on her.  She's pretty strong willed and refuses most of what I give her.  But I'm going to keep trying.  I also want to make her toys and things she will enjoy.  She deserves to have the world but my modest income can't make that happen so by using my creativity, I can provide her with handcrafted belongings that I hope she'll come to cherish.  I always want to cultivate her knowledge and education.  I can see her affinity for numbers already and know she's going to be a math nerd like me.  I also want to really get this potty-training business taken care of.  Now maybe it seems like kind of a non-resolution or like maybe I don't care so much about this one since it's not number one.  Well, I'm looking at it this way:  I'm always striving to be a better mother; well, I need to have a healthier, happier me for that to even be a possibility.

4.  Do something creative every single day.
     This one seems like a no-brainer.  Obviously, doing something creative every single day is going to bring me some sense of joy every day.  I like being creative.  Making things is my bag, baby.  It feels like my sense of purpose is lost when I'm not making something.  Now there's a few specific creative things I'd love to tackle this year.  I would really like to complete some old projects that have been lingering on the back burner for loooong periods of time.  Neck tie rug, candy drop pattern project, and my second JJs book to name a few.  I also want to get further along Skylar's scrapbook and work on some series that I'd like to continue developing (Fishbowl Distortions, Functional Facelifts, etc).  I thought the other day about my Produce Pic of the Day project that I did back in 2009 here on my blog.  I'd really like to keep using my blog as a creative outlet to keep myself accountable for my artistic goals.  Whether it be a pic of the day/week kind of thing or just a catalog of my arting.  Maybe I'll even do tutorials for things I've made.  I definitely want to get more creative in the kitchen too (though most people would say I already am!).  I would like to document my culinary creations more thoroughly.  Whatever I end up doing, I want to share it here.


And so, my simple, no bullshit resolutions have been set.  Even today, despite all the upset, I've been able to put all of them in to play in some way.  Though I didn't eat breakfast or do any yoga today, I didn't eat a bunch of random crap after dinner and that's a start.  I've been trying to think positive thoughts ever since I got home and Sky made that really simple.  Since she was so tired from last night's celebrations, she was very snuggly this evening and her sweetness just dissolved my negative attitude.  Lastly, I could consider this post my creative endeavor for the day because it's taken me well over an hour to come up with this realistic list of New Years resolutions that I really will make happen this year.

So now, before I get too sleepy and forget, I wanted to share an article that a few people posted to Facebook recently.  I absolutely love how this woman describes motherhood:
Babies Ruin Bodies

The very last line spoke to me so much so that I cried when I first read it:
"If anything, I was ruined by the world before I knew her & she made me whole again."

SHIT happens

Well, today started just as SHITTY as yesterday ended.  Possibly even more so:
When I went to pull Skylar out of her bed this morning, she had smeared her shit all over her bed and herself.  This is NOT the first time this has happened either.  Needless to say, I cursed and yelled a lot.  And Sky got really upset.  But by this point she should fucking know better than to dig around in her diaper.  I scold her EVERY time that I catch her doing it.  My aunt has requested that DJ and I only put her in onesies for daycare to prevent it from happening there.   Well, she can't fucking wear onesies forever and I'm at a loss as to what to do about this problem.

How do I keep my toddler's hands out of her diaper without constantly putting her in a onesie?!?!?!

She is extremely headstrong and defiant.  Sometimes I think that she does things like this just to be defiant but maybe she really just doesn't understand why it's wrong.  I hate being mad at her but my whole apartment, not just her room, literally smells like shit right now and it's fucking disgusting.

Sooooooo, if anyone has any insight into this issue or a solution for this problem, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, enlighten me.  Thanks.

Little Foot

Recently I decided to take my Mother's Day gift from earlier this year (the awesome one I made for myself) and my gift from my own mom and combine them into a sweet little shadowbox.

The item I made is a little salt dough impression of Skylar's foot.  It says "Skylar Helen, May 12, 2013, 13 mo."  I painted it with nail polish because I've always liked how it shines despite never using it on my fingers and rarely on my toes.  I also embellished with a ribbon and beads.  In the base of the box are 6 yellow dried roses that I received from my mom on the holiday which shares the weekend annually with the Avera Race Against Breast Cancer.

The completed project now resides on the family wall of my living room:

I also made a salt dough impression with my grandmother's hand, my mother's hand, my hand and Skylar's hand.  I baked it but I haven't decide how I'd like to paint it so it's sitting on the back burner with a handful of other projects.

Faucet Extender

The first mini project I'd like to share is mostly for my board on Pinterest: Pinned it, Did it.  I got Skylar an awesome step stool at a thrift store a few weeks back because we're building the habit of brushing her teeth every morning and she's too heavy for me to hover her over the sink.  The one downfall:  she still can't reach the water stream.  I randomly found this pin using an old baby wash bottle as a water extender of sorts that just pops right on the front of the faucet.  When we finished off Sky's bottle of baby wash, I cut it down to fit and it's been the perfect addition to our little toddler friendly bathroom.  Our results:

 

Skylar just loves her faucet extender.  It's simple, yet brilliant so Thank You to whoever came up with it! :D

She also loves her step stool which has dual function:  our bathroom is far too small for a traditional potty chair and we're quickly approaching the time to teach her...but we're totally ready!

Fork it...

I'm having a proud mom moment...I know it's a little thing but Sky figured out how to use a fork:

Just stab it.

Then eat it.

I'm awesome!

But I still may use my hands now and then.

Blue Sky's smiling at me!

I just finished some template changes here on ma blog...thanks blogger for making it easier than I remember to make it work!  I was realizing the other night as I read back over past posts how difficult it  was to read my blog with my drawing in the background.  I was not willing to lose it as my blog wallpaper but now it should be much easier on the eyes.

Anywhooo, I suppose I should get back to the updating since I've been off the blogger grid for so long...k, so I hate to say I'm one of those moms, but I'm definitely one of those moms who just can't stop talking about her kid.  She's the best, for serious...but before talking about how awesome she is, I'll give y'all a recap of her life in utero...

First Pic Inside

My pregnancy with her was probably the kind of pregnancy that every mom dreams of:  The most morning sickness I ever had was just a little nausea; although I had a tendency to gag on my toothbrush and dry-heave a bit first thing in the morn.  I only gained about 28 lbs total and lost it post-delivery within 4 weeks.  Every prenatal checkup measured normal and healthy for her and for me.
I didn't really have much for maternity clothing since I pretty much just gained baby weight; I wore a lot of long tops with leggings, and jeans 3 sizes bigger than my usual size for work at JJs (even did delivery driving up till about 7 1/2 months!).  If I'd had a full-time job at the time, I would have worked full-time all the way through.  However, I did work my 2 part-timers up until the day I went into labor...and she was born 8 days late!  I only encountered swollen feet once or twice after some pretty long work days.  My biggest complaint from my whole pregnancy was the nightly heartburn...I propped my pillows waaaay up, had a body pillow behind me and a throw pillow between my knees every single night at yet still most nights I had to take more Tums when I'd get up to pee.
My favorite part of my pregnancy was feeling her move.  The first time was pretty magical...it felt like popcorn popping in my belly when I leaned forward one night at around 18 weeks.  From then on she was almost constantly on the move.  So much so that when I started showing more, people could see her movements even through my shirt from across the room.
Her official due date was March 30, 2012 but I like to say she decided to get a little payback for Grandma Nancy for the hell I put her through.  I was nearly 18 days late, so it's only natural that she should be late too, right?  I didn't have even one contraction (not even braxton hicks!) through my entire pregnancy.  I started having labor contractions at work at 41 weeks; she finally decided to make her debut (on her own!).  My whole labor and delivery story is better suited for another post, another night, so I'll just leave it at, I did it au naturale (with minimal iv pain meds).  After nearly 19 hours of labor, Skylar Helen was born at 5:23 on Saturday morning April 7th, the day before Easter.  I was told amid all the pushing that she was a red-head...sure enough I've got the most beautiful little ginger girl ever.  She tipped the scales at 9 lbs 2 oz, and measured 20 inches long.  She wasn't as big as either myself or her dad (who was there with me the whole time; not super helpful in terms of pain management though definitely a necessary support at the time).

First Pic Outside

We picked Skylar for her first name after realizing the only names that we liked and could agree on were Skylar and Devon.  DJ decided last minute at the hospital that he didn't like Devon anymore so our alternate became Fiona but when we met her we knew she was Skylar.  I decided a long time ago that my first daughter's middle name would be Helen after my dad's mother Helen Louise.  I found out at my baby shower actually that DJ's maternal grandmother was also named Helen.  So it fits perfectly.
We took her home to our new apartment the following Monday; we had moved March 1st (that's right folks, I was 8 months prego) from Justin's house, where I'd been living when I was last posting.  I had already decided to breast feed her, which was incredibly difficult at first.  Despite all our issues, I loved our special nursing bond and I wish we could have shared it longer.  I'm sure I'll end up posting all about our nursing woes at some point.
Skylar has been the sweetest, most amazing baby; I couldn't have dreamed of having a better child.  I took her in for her 10 month checkup last week.  The doctor asked me how she sleeps at night; when I told her 'all through the night, every night since she was 6 weeks old' she told me not to tell other moms that!  I just laughed...she's just that awesome.  Currently she's tipping those scales again at a crazy 24 lbs 5 oz...98th percentile.  She's also in the 95th percentile for height at just under 30 inches.  Her daily accomplishments never cease to amaze me and I still can't believe how adorable she is.  I'll get more into her development in later posts since I'm losing steam and it's nearly bedtime for me.  So for now I'll leave you with this, my newest favorite pic of my "lil punkinhead" taken last week...