Today was a less than stellar day. I'm sad that this day was the beginning of a new year but I've decided that I'm going to use it as a segue to my resolutions for the coming year. I want to keep them simple and straightforward. Basically, no bullshit. So here goes...
1. Stop being such a fat ass.
This resolution is about my health habits. I have, as of late, let myself go a little in terms of my physical appearance. It sort of feels like I don't really have anyone to impress and that has given me license to eat whatever and whenever as well as fall off the fitness bandwagon. My resolve is not to start some crazy diet and exercise routine that I'm going to abandon halfway through January. I did successfully lose weight and get fit on a New Years Resolution a few years ago which was the perfect catalyst to my textbook pregnancy. It also made for an easy recovery which I have pretty much just coasted on. Since Skylar weened from breastfeeding last winter, I haven't really done anything to improve myself physically. Now, a year later, I've seen a slow and steady gain of about 15 pounds and a decrease in energy and stamina. I wouldn't say that I feel fat, I just feel sort of doughy and really weak.
So, I've decided to change some of my current bad habits back to the good ones I adopted back when I got fit and healthy before. As far as diet, I'm going to revisit some healthier recipes. But mostly, I plan on just changing when and how I eat. I rarely eat out and I make my lunch for work almost every day. However, I've stopped eating breakfast and started eating too much late at night. By re-balancing my mealtimes I feel like I'll naturally slim down because my metabolism with speed up again. Exercise will help that too. My favorite form of exercise has long been yoga. So I've decided to work it back into my daily routine. I found a free yoga channel on my roku and will be busting out my mat tomorrow after work. I find that whenever I do yoga on a regular basis, my mental state improves drastically. That leads to resolution #2...
2. Think positively.
I have been very negative lately. I find myself having meltdowns about ridiculous random crap because I'm really just unhappy about where I am in my life. Yes, I am a 27 year-old single mother with no romantic prospects, a horrible dead-end retail job that frustrates me endlessly, and a mountain of debt that scares the pants off me. Most days I feel like a total failure because aside from graduating from college, I haven't achieved a single goal I set for myself when I set out into the world as a young adult. The prospect of going to my 10-year high school reunion this summer makes me want to vomit. I keep dwelling on all of the negatives in my life: why can't I have a better car? why won't anyone hire me? why can't I just do what I like to do?
Well, the pity party is over. I'm done being a negative nancy because being negative has only brought me more negativity. I am tired of focusing on what sucks in my life and am ready to refocus on all the good things. First and foremost, I have an incredibly beautiful, smart and unique child who is growing so quickly and learning so much. I count every day with Skylar as a blessing because she really is my sunshine and by far the most important thing in my life. Secondly, at least I have a car, and a job. It could always be worse and I am actually pretty fortunate. I also have an incredible support system in my tight knit family. While I miss big-city living pretty much all the time and have a less-than-fond relationship with my current location/hometown, I wouldn't trade the ability to spend time with my family for anything. They really are my support and some of my only friends. My very best friend right now (aside from H. Gunn, cuz she's really the only one), is my creativity. I may not get anywhere in life with my art but I will forever keep creating because it is one thing that is a sure happy-maker for me. As far as the serious and heavy shit in life are concerned, I'm going to try to take everything in stride. I've got major changes on the horizon which reek of stress and strife but I want to take them on with a more positive attitude. I want to vastly improve my outlook on life but I know it will take some time. Baby steps.
3. Be a better mother.
I always want to be a better mother. It's hard to know how exactly to do just that when I feel I already always have her best interests at heart. However, I know there are some things that I can definitely work on. I am a short-tempered and impatient person by nature and I can see those qualities of myself in my daughter. I know that if I try harder to keep my temper in check and be more patient with her, then she will likely follow suit. Right now, we struggle a lot with our communication barrier. She wants so badly to communicate and we just don't quite understand each other all the time; that gets frustrating for both of us. One thing I'm planning on changing drastically starting immediately is my language. Obviously, I throw around some colorful language in my blog. Well, it's about the same (but really more so) in life. With Skylar learning to talk, I've got to be a lot more careful about what I say around her. The hardest place to implement that part of the resolution is going to be in the car. The drivers in this town are fucking insane (pardon my french!). I'm not an aggressive driver, especially this time of year, so it's hard to deal with all the folks who are unabashedly rude and aggressive on the road. I hate driving and most often find the outlet to my frustrations behind the wheel is a long, satisfying string of obscenities. Definitely gonna change that. Now. Other ways I'm going to better myself as a mother for Sky are to keep pushing different and more healthy foods on her. She's pretty strong willed and refuses most of what I give her. But I'm going to keep trying. I also want to make her toys and things she will enjoy. She deserves to have the world but my modest income can't make that happen so by using my creativity, I can provide her with handcrafted belongings that I hope she'll come to cherish. I always want to cultivate her knowledge and education. I can see her affinity for numbers already and know she's going to be a math nerd like me. I also want to really get this potty-training business taken care of. Now maybe it seems like kind of a non-resolution or like maybe I don't care so much about this one since it's not number one. Well, I'm looking at it this way: I'm always striving to be a better mother; well, I need to have a healthier, happier me for that to even be a possibility.
4. Do something creative every single day.
This one seems like a no-brainer. Obviously, doing something creative every single day is going to bring me some sense of joy every day. I like being creative. Making things is my bag, baby. It feels like my sense of purpose is lost when I'm not making something. Now there's a few specific creative things I'd love to tackle this year. I would really like to complete some old projects that have been lingering on the back burner for loooong periods of time. Neck tie rug, candy drop pattern project, and my second JJs book to name a few. I also want to get further along Skylar's scrapbook and work on some series that I'd like to continue developing (Fishbowl Distortions, Functional Facelifts, etc). I thought the other day about my Produce Pic of the Day project that I did back in 2009 here on my blog. I'd really like to keep using my blog as a creative outlet to keep myself accountable for my artistic goals. Whether it be a pic of the day/week kind of thing or just a catalog of my arting. Maybe I'll even do tutorials for things I've made. I definitely want to get more creative in the kitchen too (though most people would say I already am!). I would like to document my culinary creations more thoroughly. Whatever I end up doing, I want to share it here.
And so, my simple, no bullshit resolutions have been set. Even today, despite all the upset, I've been able to put all of them in to play in some way. Though I didn't eat breakfast or do any yoga today, I didn't eat a bunch of random crap after dinner and that's a start. I've been trying to think positive thoughts ever since I got home and Sky made that really simple. Since she was so tired from last night's celebrations, she was very snuggly this evening and her sweetness just dissolved my negative attitude. Lastly, I could consider this post my creative endeavor for the day because it's taken me well over an hour to come up with this realistic list of New Years resolutions that I really will make happen this year.
So now, before I get too sleepy and forget, I wanted to share an article that a few people posted to Facebook recently. I absolutely love how this woman describes motherhood:
Babies Ruin Bodies
The very last line spoke to me so much so that I cried when I first read it:
"If anything, I was ruined by the world before I knew her & she made me whole again."
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