Amidst all the stress of this crazy time, I feel the need to update...
I found a place for Sky and me to live. As it turns out all the hard work I've been putting towards bettering my credit has paid off. I qualified for a 1 bed/1 bath+ a den (ie Sky bedroom!) without any help. This is a huge step for me and we move next Wednesday. I can hardly wait till we're settled in and starting our lives there. I've been struggling with an insurance snafu through work which has effectively resulted in a pay cut for the next year based on a ridiculous technicality. I've been wrestling with the idea of leaving the comfortable and familiar job I've been at for over 3 1/2 years now for a cushy desk job with better benefits. This wouldn't be for quite some time and I, of course, still have my Norwex business blossoming as extra income. As much as I hate the idea of leaving a job I actually like for one I most likely won't, I have to do what is best for my babe. She deserves to have the best that I can possibly give her even if that means I don't like my job for awhile. I love my Norwex business and would love to do just that for income but it's extremely variable right now and I need stability to give her what she needs. My head has been swimming for weeks now, especially this last week, and I'm just hoping for an ounce of clarity, sometime...
I just realized now, as I'm folding laundry (that I washed 4 days ago) and listening to music, that I need to get back into my old tunes. I thought I had exhausted my library of music after listening to the same songs over and over for ages. Since my iPod adapter went out in my car (a LONG time ago), I've been stuck listening to the only 2 stations that come in clearly in my antenna-less car: the classic rock station and the "lite" station. Neither are bad at all, but I miss the songs that made my heart feel real feelings. I guess I've been subconsciously feeling it for awhile that I just really miss how music makes me feel when I hear the right song at just the right moment. One of my favorite tv shows (my guilty pleasure), One Tree Hill, has a fantastic soundtrack through the entire 9 seasons. I got my old roomie Elizabeth hooked on the show before she left and have been watching it nearly exclusively since then. Last night an episode came on with a song that made my heart leap (again, cuz, let's face it, it did the last times I saw it). The lyrics say: It feels bad now, but it's gonna get better someday. As heavy as my heart feels about potential (and actual) changes that will happen in my life, things will get better! I just need to believe the words. When I get scared, when I panic, I just need to believe that things sometimes need to get worse before they get better...
Case in point: This adventure of living in this horrible, rotten apartment has all been leading to me finally finding a place where I can assert my independence; where I can grow into a person, the mom that I truly aspire to be. Maybe then, I will find someone to share my life with who can appreciate who I am and not try to change me. It's been a crazy ride, but I'm ready to get off and steady myself awhile.
I've got the Midco man coming the day I move so that I won't be without internet once I settle into my new place. I think I'll make it a goal of more regular updates because even if no one else reads them, it's cathartic for me. I need something to ground my mind, to keep from flailing around in an ocean of impossible thoughts. Expelling them, even in blog form, is an outlet I desperately need. I don't feel like I can just dump my problems on someone. Besides, everyone has their own issues and they don't need or want my drama piled on top of their own. I sure miss having my best friend around...but even she doesn't deserve to hear everything I feel the need to say sometimes. So, cyber world, you will be my sounding board, my therapist, my punching bag, my go-to guru when I just need to say something to someone and have no one else to say it to...
Almost Everything by Wakey!Wakey!
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