Change's gonna come...

Amidst all the stress of this crazy time, I feel the need to update...

I found a place for Sky and me to live.  As it turns out all the hard work I've been putting towards bettering my credit has paid off.  I qualified for a 1 bed/1 bath+ a den (ie Sky bedroom!) without any help.  This is a huge step for me and we move next Wednesday.  I can hardly wait till we're settled in and starting our lives there.  I've been struggling with an insurance snafu through work which has effectively resulted in a pay cut for the next year based on a ridiculous technicality.  I've been wrestling with the idea of leaving the comfortable and familiar job I've been at for over 3 1/2 years now for a cushy desk job with better benefits.  This wouldn't be for quite some time and I, of course, still have my Norwex business blossoming as extra income.  As much as I hate the idea of leaving a job I actually like for one I most likely won't, I have to do what is best for my babe.  She deserves to have the best that I can possibly give her even if that means I don't like my job for awhile.  I love my Norwex business and would love to do just that for income but it's extremely variable right now and I need stability to give her what she needs.  My head has been swimming for weeks now, especially this last week, and I'm just hoping for an ounce of clarity, sometime...

I just realized now, as I'm folding laundry (that I washed 4 days ago) and listening to music, that I need to get back into my old tunes.  I thought I had exhausted my library of music after listening to the same songs over and over for ages.  Since my iPod adapter went out in my car (a LONG time ago), I've been stuck listening to the only 2 stations that come in clearly in my antenna-less car: the classic rock station and the "lite" station.  Neither are bad at all, but I miss the songs that made my heart feel real feelings.  I guess I've been subconsciously feeling it for awhile that I just really miss how music makes me feel when I hear the right song at just the right moment.  One of my favorite tv shows (my guilty pleasure), One Tree Hill, has a fantastic soundtrack through the entire 9 seasons.  I got my old roomie Elizabeth hooked on the show before she left and have been watching it nearly exclusively since then.  Last night an episode came on with a song that made my heart leap (again, cuz, let's face it, it did the last times I saw it).  The lyrics say: It feels bad now, but it's gonna get better someday.  As heavy as my heart feels about potential (and actual) changes that will happen in my life, things will get better!  I just need to believe the words.  When I get scared, when I panic, I just need to believe that things sometimes need to get worse before they get better...

Case in point:  This adventure of living in this horrible, rotten apartment has all been leading to me finally finding a place where I can assert my independence; where I can grow into a person, the mom that I truly aspire to be.  Maybe then, I will find someone to share my life with who can appreciate who I am and not try to change me.  It's been a crazy ride, but I'm ready to get off and steady myself awhile.

I've got the Midco man coming the day I move so that I won't be without internet once I settle into my new place.  I think I'll make it a goal of more regular updates because even if no one else reads them, it's cathartic for me.  I need something to ground my mind, to keep from flailing around in an ocean of impossible thoughts.  Expelling them, even in blog form, is an outlet I desperately need.  I don't feel like I can just dump my problems on someone.  Besides, everyone has their own issues and they don't need or want my drama piled on top of their own.  I sure miss having my best friend around...but even she doesn't deserve to hear everything I feel the need to say sometimes.  So, cyber world, you will be my sounding board, my therapist, my punching bag, my go-to guru when I just need to say something to someone and have no one else to say it to...


Almost Everything by Wakey!Wakey!

Long Time, No Blog?

Yes, It's true.  I'm a terrible blogger.  I can't seem to bring myself back to the habit again.  Maybe it's because I'm caught up on other habits right now as I have been in the past.  But mostly I feel like I've been in limbo for, well, like forever.  I'm currently on a hunt for a single bedroom apartment for me and Sky.  She lives with me half-time per mine and DJ's custody agreement.  Though if you ask me on some days it feels like I have her all the time, and on others I miss her so much I can barely believe it's half the time.  I love her so much my heart fills up with happiness every time I think of her.  At 15 months, she's EVERYWHERE and ANYWHERE...ALL THE TIME!!!  It's unbelievable how much she learns every day and how much she shows how much she knows all the time.  She's so smart!  I want her to have every opportunity to learn so I've amassed a library for her.  I keep joking that it took more than 15 years to create my library of fact and fiction, but it's taken a mere 15 months to collect at least as many (if not more) books for my Sky to read.  We read every single night that she's with me (along with tubby and naked snacks ;)).  It was really awesome to have my sexually-ambiguous roommate Elizabeth to share some fun milestones with, however, she's moved on to greener pastures...After the wicked ice storm back in April, we were struck with nasty May showers.  Over Memorial Day weekend, our building was struck by lightning and later flooded like whoa.  It was a nasty mess that we're still dealing with fall out from.  Anywho, she was offered a job at another Michaels store, a lateral move to a store in Iowa.  And as of the end of June, she's gone.  We're still living in her apartment til the end of July but soon we'll be gone too.  I want something more permanent.  Something stable and steady.  I don't make much money but with my Norwex business, I'm planning to change that.  I know that a one-bedroom apartment isn't much for a single mom.  However, I love maintaining my own household and even if I don't have bedroom of my own, I know that I can provide the home Sky deserves even on my modest income.  I just don't want to move again!  It's nice being alone in the apartment, though I miss Elizabeth terribly, but I feel like it's a stupid waiting game.  I just know I can't afford this place alone.  Despite it being a fantastic location and a wonderful size, the management is TERRIBLE (we had NO assistance in the cleanup from the flood, NONE).  It's just not worth the headache and the stress and the potential illness (mold, rash, whatnot).  So we're out.  Now it's just a matter of finding a place within budget that will accept me even with my shitty credit...

I know I need to post more, if not for whatever followers I may have, but for myself.  This is a good reminder of what I want, what I need, and what could be for the future.  Whatever it holds, I hope it's amazing, though I'm sure, with a sweet amazing intelligent baby sidekick, I can tackle whatever that life throws at me without effort.  She is my heart and the air I breathe.  Everything is ok with Sky.